Crane Party

The Final Crane: Revenge of MegaCrane

2010-09-16T15:33:00.000-07:00

Crane #17, unknown location, United Kingdom.

Cover-ups; secret societies; new world order suspicions and theories.

Nothing comes close to explaining this.

The photo was snuck out of a branch of the UK secret services, by an operative who defected to the Madagascan navy.

The crane (if we can even call it that) has now burrowed its way into oblivion again. It's safe to say that if it ever gets near the surface, molehills will be mountainous.

The purpose, intent and desire of the crane is not known.

The destructive capability is definite. We just need to know if it's tasted blood yet. For then it will be unstoppable.

Night Of The Hunters

2010-09-16T15:27:00.000-07:00

Cranes #16, Tocantins, Brasil.

Deep in the thickets of the Brasilian railforests, a deadly predator rules the roost. And roots.

Giving cranes all over the world a bad name, they are rarely seen. This photograph was recovered from a bag dropped by a photographer whose whereabouts are now unknown.

If you see these cranes, do only one thing.

Run.

They're coming.

Colourful Crayola Cranes

2010-09-16T15:21:00.000-07:00

Cranes #15, Santa Monica, California.

On the far industrial side of California, you can choose your own crane. Every colour in the world is open to you, to be sure that the crane working near your home doesn't clash with your tonal palette scheme.

The cranes are kept in a free-range pen while you make your decision, able to play and run to their hearts' content.

These are 100% ethically-sourced cranes, rest assured. They will last longer, make you more productive, make your children healthier, and cure hepatitis.

Classic, Vintage Crane Party. Classy. Vinnie.

2010-09-16T15:10:00.000-07:00

Crane #14, Leith, Scotland.

Leith; the birthplace of cranes. Hundreds of years ago, cranes were fashioned out of fish bones and leatherette. Leather made by female cows.

Then came larger animals. As the empire expanded, hyena, buffalo, even hippo bones were pressed into service. Only taking from naturally deceased corpses, the most prized being (obviously) giraffe. You could make more cranes, more quickly.

But this cottage industry died out soon, animal crane production moving abroad, and cheaper steel replacing it domestically.

The cranes in this picture are made from solid magnesium derivative, giving them a lustrous sheer, bendy nature, and potentially explosive outcome if naked flame ever goes near them.

Which it did, in 1973. So they aren't there anymore. Sorry.

Robocranes

2010-09-16T10:47:00.001-07:00

Crane #13, Singapore

It can be hard for humans to differentiate between the sentient cranes we all take for granted and their modern counterparts, the robo-cranes. There are, however, a few tell-tale signs.

Look at the width of their leg areas: this isn't a definite sign, but the wider the more likely it is to be a robot. Robot cranes have not yet reached the levels of advancement standard cranes have when it comes to mobility, so need the width for extra stability.

The obvious thing is the red and white striping along their barrels. This is a government requirement, in order that we know where we stand, at all times, with cranes and their mechanical counterparts.

Eager To Please

2010-09-16T10:44:00.000-07:00

Crane #12, Boston, Massachusetts

When the fisher-cranes come in to roost, their friends are keen to come and greet them, even before they've stepped off the boat.

It's a rare display: once every three months, as the fisher-cranes have long contracts out at sea.

But when they return, the coasts are lined with cranes ready to give them great rending steel high-fives, cascading sound waves far inland as they do so.

Note in this photo: the two dog cranes in the background, stoically staring out to sea. They protect the coast from viking-cranes, still active even now in the 21st century.

Cranes Of Joy

2010-09-16T10:40:00.000-07:00

Crane #11, Osaka, Japan

In the sunset beauty of Japan's sleepy second city, Osaka, the cranes relax after a day's work. They gather round, crack open some beverages and share some jokes.

Repeater Jackson, pictured here in the foreground, is the comedian of the bunch, and frequently has the other cranes in rivets. Stitches, to you and I.

There's nothing quite like a cool beer in the hot Japanese sun; these cranes work hard and play hard, and know the value of both.

Professional Greeters

2010-09-16T10:31:00.000-07:00

Crane #10, Oakland, USA

Just like the greeters Wal-Mart employs (average age: 74), these cranes stand rigid, grown salutary in their old age rather than bitter and enfeebled. Their arms remain outstretched in a welcoming wave, giving a personal touch to this otherwise drab granite bridge.

But the wave will always remain static, for we may remember the sad day some twenty years back, when undue agitation of Little Jimmy Ironside caused him to buckle, sending carfuls of passengers to their icy death below.

Not a good day for human - crane relations; but we move on now, on to the future.

Cranes On A Cruise

2010-09-16T10:18:00.000-07:00

Crane #9 North Sea, Northern Hemisphere, Northlandia

Did we mention that sometimes even cranes think, "screw this, I'm going to see the world".

Possibly not. They're not the hard-working, order-taking bastions of servitude we usually assume. No, cranes are complex beings that need their breaks as much as you or I.

So they book their time on a cruise ship and lazily mill around the ocean. There's not much room to move, obviously, and attractions while on-ship are limited.

But the chance to be free, feel the sea breeze in their hair... they do rust, so they apply daily rustscreen.

And just look who's doing all the work - the tiny boat out in front, towing with a piece of string. He's the true hero here.

Crane Universitay

2008-07-10T01:12:00.000-07:00

Crane #8, Oxford, Britain

Among the sleepy spires of Oxford town, there lurk the people who actually get things done. By people I mean cranes, of course, and who else is responsible for keeping those spires sleeping?

Thanks to educational osmosis, these cranes are among the most learned mechanical beings in the world (alongside the robot vacuum cleaners at the Library of Congress and the security alarm system at the British Museum). There isn't a lecture they haven't eavesdropped on a hundred times, and though they don't engage in debates with humans, rest assured that they'd put up a good fight. When cranes make their minds up about something, you'll find it near impossible to change that opinion. Like elephants.

The particular cranes pictured have laboured around the Theology buildings for years, so debates between them are highly charged. In fact, it's now got to the point that the two of them haven't spoken for close to fifteen years. And all down to a disagreement on the meaning of wine. For shame, cranes. Life is too short.

"Stick around... pumping iron"

2008-04-15T09:31:00.000-07:00

Crane #7, Pittsburgh, PA

Some people build up their muscles for show, like the genetic abnormals on Venice Beach. Some people need muscles to impress and to intimidate. Some people waste their time.

These buff super muscle cranes are 100% real, US-fed, natural beefcakes. They don't go to the gym or take protein shakes. How could they? They're welded to the ground. Nope, these cranes are in it for one thing: job satisfaction.

Pennsylvania is a hard-working state: and Pittsburgh itself has a long tradition of heavy industry. But today there exists a safe balance; with the city's livability rating scoring high since the 1980s, these cranes can enjoy a full day's work and then sleep easy knowing that they breathe clean air and drink fresh water. If they drunk water, that is.

"Daddy, where do baby cranes come from?"

2008-03-30T06:30:00.000-07:00

Crane #6, Manhattan, NYC

It's a sensible question, and not just from kids: where do the cranes come fro

They fly by night, erect themselves wherever work needs done (like superheroes, although fortunately I've never seen Superman 'erect' himself. Which is just as well, because there's no hiding anything in spandex).

But are they magical? Are they thrown into place by God? Popped out of Christmas crackers, or are they the playthings of invisible giants?

Now, at last, we have the exclusive answer: and it involves this, the Crane Daddy. The Ω crane.

He roves the land, in search of crane nesting grounds, spawning giant steel babies that enhance the skyline with a preview of what might happen when cranes attack.

The only mystery left to solve: the crane mother. Is she real? Photographic evidence, please.

Where do bad cranes go when they die?

2007-07-30T12:30:00.000-07:00

Cranes #5, Crane Prison, Crane Island:

Well, even among cranes, it seems, there can be crimes for which the only answer is incarceration. These reprobates have been cruelly (although it's ultimately for their own good) stationed on an island overlooking a crane community on the mainland.

Who can say what foul deed these cranes did do? What transgression against fellow cranes? Regardless, they party on inside their mesh cage. Forced to adopt the same colours, prison regulation red, they practise their synchronised dance steps and chalk up the days left on their sentence.

Cranes in party central!

2007-07-25T00:41:00.001-07:00

Cranes #4, Ibiza, España:

Of course, on the island that never sleeps, you'd expect the cranes to get in on the action in any way they could. Above is a great example of the kind of rampant decadence that cranes have become famous for. Look at them, swaying in the wind, delirious on sun and engine oil. Their jaunty angles hint at their inebriation: the cut of their jib is all wrong.

Crane party with men!

2007-07-24T06:31:00.001-07:00

Cranes #3, Lousiana, USA:

This is an unusual example of the crane party, as in this case there are people enjoying the party too.

Of course, this archive photograph takes place before the great Crane/Human War of the 1960s, when all cranes were subjugated and put to work building the skyscrapers of today.

As you can see, this harks back to happier times when man and crane worked together for a better world. Perhaps, with work, we can get there again.

Cranes at sunset

2007-07-23T04:58:00.000-07:00

Cranes #2, Stockholm, Sweden:

These cranes perform strange ceremonies, only on sunset nights of red. Some say that they pray to the crane Dark Lord, others that they are crane vampires.

This writer says that whatever it is they're doing, they're doing it right. Power to them.

A study in the social life of cranes around the world

2007-07-23T04:55:00.001-07:00

Cranes #1, West Coast, Scotland:

These cranes live a marine life by day, but when their operators are away they have crazy beach parties all night. Tony, the blue crane seen on the right in the foreground, acts as lookout and bartender as they dance their pain away.